Stuart:

The Wachowskis follow up to their ambitious – yet ultimately humdrum – film Cloud Atlas with Jupiter Ascending, a movie that has a lot in common with their breakout hit, The Matrix. Mila Kunis plays Jupiter Jones (no, really), an ordinary housecleaner from a migrant family who learns she has become the single most important person in the cosmos. Soon there are alien bounty hunters on her trail and an intergalactic inheritance up for the taking.

As far as ordinary-person-discovers-secret-world-full-of-superpowers stories go, so far so Matrix. There are a number of parallels to draw between Jupiter and Neo, however Kunis’ character, frustratingly, never gets to take matters into her own hands. She’s kidnapped by one character after another, saved then kidnapped again, and she doesn’t seem to have any agency of her own. By the end – and I mean, the very end – she begins to take control and have some fun, but then the film is over. Though the tepid box office presumably means there will never be a sequel (Jupiter Zenith? Jupiter Descending?), it’s that film that I wanted to see. As exciting as it is to have a mega budget sci-fi extravaganza with a female lead, the narrative really lets her down. (Here’s hoping that the rumoured significant female character in Star Wars Episode VII makes up for it.)

The early parts of the film have a real 90s cyberpunk vibe, like The Matrix but a little more colourful (dare I say, like Johnny Mnemonic?). We have a whole host of secondary characters who have little to do but look cool in their over-the-top costuming. If this had been successful and we’d been treated to a Jupiter Ascending companion video game, I’m sure they would have delved into their backstories a little more.

The cast spend a lot of time standing around looking awkward. You know the stilted council scenes from The Matrix Reloaded or The Phantom Menace? Yeah, it’s kinda like that. The best part about The Matrix (a film I don’t even like that much, truth be told) was the ability to drip-feed information on the fly. That first half hour simply didn’t slow down. Jupiter Ascending attempts the same thing, but really drops the ball quickly. It’s incredible just how dull expensive can get. There’s oodles of money on screen, but none of it matters. The action scenes are hard to follow and/or look silly, and they get tiresome quickly.

Kunis performs admirably, all things considered, but Channing Tatum is a charisma void here. Sean Bean and Eddie Redmayne don’t do much better either, truth be told. When all is said and done, Jupiter Ascending is barely half as good as Cloud Atlas or Speed Racer, and neither of those was brilliant anyway…