Stuart:

As far as video game adaptations go, no one was expecting too much from Dead or Alive. Turns out it could have been worse – at least it delivers on its two core promises: it’s a silly action flick and a bit of a perv.

DOA doesn’t even try to be too much of a movie. It’s not so much that the film resembles a computer game cutscene, rather that the film goes out of its way to resemble the game itself, even with the ‘Kasumi Vs. Bayman’ type graphics and the fight voiceovers. I can’t even remember if those two combatants actually threw down the gauntlet in the film, cos none of the fights are particularly memorable, excepting maybe the ‘Matrix bra’ scene that’s been in all the trailers. However they all produced a chuckle from me for their wire-inspired stupidity.

Veteran director Corey Yuen (The Transporter) has crafted a mildly entertaining piece of computer game fluff that manages to find excuses for gratuitous bum and cleavage shots every three minutes or so. Holly Vallance could have perhaps chosen a more significant film for her feature debut, and she performs about as well as expected considering the subject matter. It will be interesting to see if she ever manages to break into some hardcore dramatic films, especially considering her next appearance is alongside Paris Hilton in a National Lampoon comedy. Jaime Pressly’s Tina Armstrong is a pretty unlikeable character, and Devon Aoki manages to give the most extraordinarily wooden performance I think I’ve ever seen as Kasumi. Eric Roberts appears as the smarmy rich guy we’ve seen many times before, and Sarah Carter is the only actor that manages to bring some vibrancy onto the screen as Helena.

It’s crap but at least it doesn’t think too highly of itself. And for some reason it seems to feature the pirates from the ‘Asterix’ comics…