How to behave in the cinema...
At the risk of Stuart once again telling me that I am an old man and should just get over it, I wanted to write about my peers, and the unfathomable disrespect they show films - and me - when in the cinema.I am sick and tired of the knuckleheads who think it's ok to talk, make comments, ask questions, eat loudly, rustle popcorn bags or lolly wrappers, get up and walk off then come back again, and other such rude behaviour. It's a film people! It's not the circus! Who said it's ok to get up and go and find another seat with another mate, talk to them, then decide to move back to where you came from?
Whoever decided they had to value-add to their movie tickets by selling drinks, sweets and popcorn, needs a bullet. When you are watching a film at home do you eat half a field of popped corn and the product of a year's work for one cow in the butter factory? Would you eat that anywhere else in your life? Most likely you'd say it was fattening or unhealthy and steer clear, and yet in the cinema you can't resist! Wake up to yourselves! Or is the conditioning you have all experienced so pervasive you don't even recognise it?
- Shepherd Book, 'Firefly'
The ideal cinema-goer should be empty of urine, without a drink if they won't be able to hold on, full from their last meal and therefore not needing a million and one noisily unwrapped lollies, and ready to sit quietly and either love or hate what they are seeing and hearing. No, you can't talk. No, you can't ask your mate what is going on, or who that guy is. No, you can't get up and go to the toilet. No, you can't make 'funny' noises while the film is on. No, you can't make shadow puppets on the screen. No, you can't spread your friends over two rows and then spend the whole film talking about make-up or cute boys. Wake up to yourselves!
In what other area of entertainment do we think it's ok to pay such disrespect to the performance? Or to our peers? How do you behave when you see live theatre? You paid to see this film, so watch it, and get as much out of it as you can, instead of wasting your chance to be touched by it. If it's awful, tell your friends that afterwards, but don't ruin anyone else's experience by yelling out how you hate it!
And don't start me on the idiots I was sitting in front of last night when watching Osama... A film about violence, rape, poverty and desperation, and two adult women - I would have been less surprised if it were teenage boys who were being so insensitive - are making each other laugh?? What is wrong with you? Watch, learn and feel, instead of behaving like fuckwits.
And before anyone says some crap about how they paid for their tickets, so they should be able to behave how they like... I paid for my ticket as well, in the expectation I could watch the film with a quiet appreciation. So shut up, sit down, stop eating and drinking, and let me enjoy it.
Quietly.
Cheers... Mark
Stuart:
I should like to point out at this stage that after I, Robot, Mark said rather loudly and clearly, so as everyone would hear: 'how about those two idiots that didn't turn off their fucking mobile phones?'. This concerned me for two reasons, one: the male half of the couple was wearing an Adidas jacket and had very short hair, and two: I was sitting next to Mark at the time.
Thankfully all they did was turn and wonder if Mark had really said what they thought he had. In fact, by going on and talking about something completely different I think I managed to avert a little bit of fisticuffs.
Proper cinema etiquette was distinctly lacking in that particular screening of I, Robot... I would like to suggest, however, that upholding such etiquette is NOT the same as inviting destruction on yourself and anyone nearby.
Reader Feedback:
JG suggests there is another group of cinema-goers whose behaviour is poor... those of us who sit there and cluck when others make noise! Or go "Shoosh!!" when others rustle their lolly-wrappers. Essentially his point is valid - that those of us who do behave well in a cinema are obliged to educate others, but not by doing the thing we hate the most, which is making noise ourselves. Point taken.
EG disagrees with JG: Unfortunately in the current climate of road rage and the like you can't be too direct to some unknown lolly rustler for fear of being king hit - so rather a discreet "shoosh" or harumph will probably make the reasonable movie goer think twice about their actions. Of course, the neanderthal idiot movie goer who is too wrapped up in their own mobile phone/girlfriend/boyfriend etc to care or notice anyone else cannot be stopped. The other benefit of making discreet annoyed noises is that it makes you feel better for having taken some (albeit somewhat ineffective) action.
GDickens says: An age-old problem!
This, much like Communism, is not a black/white situation. A casio keyboard is a black/white situation. Although you really should avoid taking one into the cinema. Unless you have a medical certificate of some kind I'm not aware of. Weirdo.
There are certain situations to take into account. The back row, should always be reserved for gigglers, however, providing they keep relative restraint. Oh, and film marathons are a different kettle of krill, apart from those "long, boring black and white" ones, in which case if you can't shut up, have a kip or take a turn about the gardens. Um, I've forgotten what else I had to say, so that's it.
Oh yeah, there was this time I was in the cinema, happily enjoying my film, when someone's mobile rings behind me (and to the right, I recall). Now mobiles ringing are completely unacceptable, but not only did he let it ring for ages, but eventually answered in the timbre of voice usually reserved for loud clubs. Turns out he was giving the pizza guy directions, the conversation followed the vague lines of:
"Hey! Sweet, mate! Yous got here ok!"
"mumble mumble..."
"Just bring it in, man."
"mumble mumble?"
"Nah, it's cool, nobody will mind"
"mumble mumble...!!!"
"Look, I'm not gunna pay yous 'til ya bring it in, huh!"
"mumble grumble mumble..."
So eventually the pizza guy crept into the cinema, trying to be respectful, obviously feeling out of place, only to have the loud guy yell
"Up here!" and demand the pizza guy come up. So all in all, that took about 15 minutes from go to woe. It almost completely ruined Space Jam.